- Wednesday, February 1, 2012

5 notes

28 DAY WRITING CHALLENGE: Day 01

Write about yourself.

The truth is - I hate writing about myself…

Whenever I write about myself, I always worry that I end up coming across as grandiose or something far worse which is not my intention at all, but its just because with a computer I have a thesaurus instantly on hand to jazz up whatever I’m writing in the attempt to make it better to read (I didn’t have to look up the word “grandiose”, however I did have to spell-check it!)

I can (and probably do) talk about myself when talking with friends, etc. I can admit that. But in my defense whenever I do talk about myself - I throw in so many self-deprecating jokes that it should more than make up for it. They are funny jokes. You will laugh. And at my expense. But I honestly don’t know what I’m supposed to even say here about myself right now.

I’m untalented. I’m unskilled. I’m average in almost every way, except physically with the size of my feet, which is more of a problem than anything else. I’ve never once felt like I’ve “belonged” anywhere. I loved ‘The X-Men’ as a kid because each person had something you could point an actual finger to and say why that person was labelled “different” from everybody else. I wished that I had something that I could say made me “different”, like autism or Asperger’s or a learning disability or even a slight mental-retardation (the jury’s still out on that one) But, I don’t. I’m normal. Ordinary.

I’m an “all or nothing” kind of person, which I guess comes across as arrogant to some people, but that is not who I am at all. My parents always told me at a very young age that I could be anything I wanted to be, and faced with the infinite possibility of what I could potentially do - I became daunted by sheer choice and didn’t become anything. Sometimes I wish they told me that I couldn’t do “this” or “that”, and maybe I would have tried those things they said I couldn’t do and discover for myself. I probably wouldn’t have though, because whenever I’m told “You can do better”, I instantly think that I can’t and just don’t continue on with it. I also stall before I start anything/everything.

If I had to say something positive about myself - I’m really good with most people and I’m good with ideas, but ideas that I never follow through with. To take a line from the first episode of one of my favourite tv shows ever How To Make It In America:

“…everybody’s got ideas, nobody wants to put in the work. Don’t tell me what you’re going to do, show me what you’ve done…”

Lately, I’m working on doing that last part more.

I look back at my life right up to this point and I constantly think to myself: “How the fuck did I get here?” and when I try to figure it out I think: “Where else would I be?“ In high school I was terrible with math and science yet was in the top classes for english and art because I unexplainably found those subjects easy and could probably explain myself away from “being wrong”.

I over-think everything, to the point where it’s then so removed from the realm of possibility that it could never, would never happen. Although I worry about it all the same.

I also constantly think that The Universe hates me for some unknown reason, and uses every available opportunity to mock me. I often think what I could have done to deserve something like this, and I still as of right now have not come up with an answer at all.

Above everything else - I’m stupid because I believe in love. The “soulmate, one and only, public choreographed dance numbers in the street, shout her name from the rooftops” kind. But other than my family and a select few friends - no one has ever loved me.

And yet in spite of that - I still continue to believe in it…